My mother never taught me how to take care of my most vulnerable body part. She never taught me to wipe front to back, or to not wear my swimsuit for 24 hours straight, or that it was mine and mine alone to make decisions about. She never taught me to make sure it was appreciated and loved with the respect and gentleness that it deserves. My mother’s mother taught me that it was shameful. She scolded me when I was caught touching it. She taught me how to change my clothes with the utmost modesty so as to never let it show. My father taught me that the only place where it is appreciated is in magazines of Asian women with parts bald as babies butts, spread open for viewing by their long polished finger nails. My uncles taught me that it is the star of the best dirty jokes, something that is to be objectified, used, and laughed about. My brothers taught me that it was an indicator of rank, placing me at the bottom of their hierarchy. Ex-lovers taught me that it was too smelly, too hairy, too ugly except with lights off. They taught me that it was for their pleasure alone, until a better one came along.
…until a better one came along.
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It’s Been 22 Years
It’s been 22 years and I still have flashbacks about that night. I couldn’t tell you what season it was, the day or even the year. The thoughts are like Polaroid pictures that I had to piece together one picture at a time. Even today, most times it’s out of nowhere that a memory just pops into my head that I hadn’t even remembered until that very moment.